wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
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My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Vodka is essentially odorless. That wasn’t what tipped off co-workers.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I have a black belt in leather