wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
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You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
I can’t stop watching this.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.