Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What goes “ooooooooo”?

A cow with no lips.

There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.

When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID

Her: Who ate all the ice cream?

Me: *blaming the dog* Reese

Her: What? How?

Me: Witherspoon

Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”

First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool

When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.

My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time

me: [typing] donkey kong

fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it

me: donkey kong no tie

fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down

“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”

Interviewer:…

“Oh you mean questions about the job!”

Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.

Spent the entire day milking a single almond.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.

Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.

DRP: Muahahaha!

CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.

DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.

CR: Kreeptonite.

DRP: *weakens further*.

6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!

“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster

Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs

My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.

Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same

“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”

I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.

I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.

I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.

Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak

Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not

[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL

I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

ME: whose dog are you

DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL

ME: whose cat are you

CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH

Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.