Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
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My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails