Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.

Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.

“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.

The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing

For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.

[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]

Are you sure you’re ok?

The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time

1.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good

a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS

If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.

i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure

one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason

A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet

My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?

Me: *taking a family photograph*

Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?

The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow

◾️

Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.

Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…

I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?

Her: *Yodels*

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.

I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out

I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.

Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards

Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed

I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.

This feels like a totally reasonable reaction

#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty

Them: What’s wrong with you?

Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*