Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.

TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*

Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall

Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one

Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭

True freaking story!

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.

they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.

me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings

me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit

MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods

*In fancy restaurant*

Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?

Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh

People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.

911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.

I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.

ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard

HER: what mask

ME: oh

Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?

Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee

If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party

Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.

*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back

[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.

My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.

Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”

It was a broom! 😂🤣

“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks

alien: greetings earthlings

me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language

alien: yeet us to yaass queen

me: *pinches nose* ffs

Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car

the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air

*Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.