Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.

I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.

*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?

Me: I really want to go travelling

My bank balance: like…around the house?

Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.

Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.

The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email

My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.

My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.

I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone

channeling her this year

Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol

You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.

[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]

HER: Aw, this makes my day.

ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.

So many village idiots. So few dragons.

For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”

sex so good you start seeing dead people..

oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that

Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos

Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.

there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”

The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles

KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist

Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—

*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*

Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.