Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine

The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.

“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious

People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.

For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out

i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy

COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.

My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

*kids running down the stairs*

DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that

I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.

Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.

Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?

Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!

rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson

If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.

Ouija doin?

-talkin to my ancestors

You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.

[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]

me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!

wife: oooooooohhhhhhh

midwife: that’s it keep pushing

I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.

I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom

These apps are getting out of control.

There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.

t-shirt: Lay flat to dry

me: I can’t do laundry lying down