Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes

[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ

My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.

[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

WAP on, WAP off

-Cardi Biyagi

FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?

[at the same time]

HER: Frankenstein.

ME: Frosty the Snowman.

I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.

West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.

Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings

I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!

No YOU’RE not worded correctly.

Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.

Me: What are you doing?

Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.

Me: I can see you in the mirror.

me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are

cellmate: i wish

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”

It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.

COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything

According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.

therapist: and what motivation will we use ?

me: hate fueled spite ?

therapist: no

The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’

Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie

It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.