Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So creative 😂

Cop: you get one phone call

me: [dials 911] help

[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have

“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”

mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?

cat: *narrows eyes* yes

Covid like

waiter: how do you want your eggs?

me: yellow

sam: i’m telling you

DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!

The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.

Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?

Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.

By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.

[planning a heist]

Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job

Me, hates going outside: nice

me: how was your camping trip

5 y/o: good

me: what’d you guys do

5 y/o: camped

If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

Looking for a plus one for my wedding.

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.

If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?

As a kid: the floor is lava

As a parent: the floor is Lego™️

i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do

A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!

I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.

Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.

I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.

I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.

If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.

Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box