Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
You Might Also Like
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.