Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t


Me: buy the kids


Me: a trampoline.


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My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.


Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~


Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.


Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*


I’ve been trying to start my truck with my house key since 7am this morning, there’s no way I’m gonna stop now.


It’s times like these that you find out what people are really made of. And apparently I’m made of wine, cheetohs and anxiety.


1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents


Date: Do u have any allergies?

Me: I’m allergic to raisins. They make me cry

D: That’s an unusual reaction

M: They could’ve been wine!!


I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.