@NewDadNotes

Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t

[bounce]

Me: buy the kids

[bounce]

Me: a trampoline.

[bounce].

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@BunAndLeggings

My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.

@junejuly12

Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~

@sushimonsterc

Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.

@tastefactory

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

@_steamy_mac

I’ve been trying to start my truck with my house key since 7am this morning, there’s no way I’m gonna stop now.

@Divergentmama

It’s times like these that you find out what people are really made of. And apparently I’m made of wine, cheetohs and anxiety.

@oigoabuya

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

@SaraMansford

Date: Do u have any allergies?

Me: I’m allergic to raisins. They make me cry

D: That’s an unusual reaction

M: They could’ve been wine!!

@Grommit56

I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.