Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.

me: “spends hours with my favourite person”

me as soon as they leave:

2: Mommy!!

Me: Yes?

2: NOOOOOOOOO!

20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.

Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.

Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.

I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan

“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully

There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer

(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)

Wife: have you registered here before?

Matrix: idk, put my email in.

(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)

Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.

I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions

Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?

At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.

Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

Me: I’ll cook

Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?

Plot twist-
Maury is the father.

“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.

One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.

2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.

Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.