Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.

*knock knock*

“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”

“But I’m having a poo”

“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”

Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

That’s bullshit.

“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”

~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp

Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!

[Walking my chihuahua]

Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”

Me: “Sure. Go ahead”

*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers

Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”

Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”

WIFE: you probably need a shower

KID: why? how do I smell?

ME: *without looking up* with your nose

[ no-look high five from WIFE ]

My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account

If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.

Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.

Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”

My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week

[planning a heist]

Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job

Me, hates going outside: nice

My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌

:-for the notifications to go away✅

[God creating armadillos]

Shove that mouse into a seashell

I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span

Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.

[next day]

Boss [looking at me]: why are you here

I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.

I do this on a Steffi Graph.

At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.

Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine

Jepfpf: no I haven’t

Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me

Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.

If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.