Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out: WrestleVania

Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.

I just died 😂😂😂😂😂

No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.

What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.

if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm

Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity

I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations

Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what

Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?

I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.

For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.

babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad

The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground

Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.

Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?

Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg

and wait.

-hospitals

i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times

Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*

Boss: that is NOT a costume..

I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.

[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]

Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!

Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?

Wife: Never say never

9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something