Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me

[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]

My cat: lol no

I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.

Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.

Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.

Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.

This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself

Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.

I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that

– dinner –

Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes

Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”

[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right

my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.

I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school

A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period

I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!

~ me to my kids for the 387th time today

Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING

We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.

Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.

{During Mass}

Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?

Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.

“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.

The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.

I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?

Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*

i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot

Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.

Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.

If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years