Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
You Might Also Like
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Spoiler Alert: I was late
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”