Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
![]()
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
![]()
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL