Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
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How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
no one likes gloating
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.