Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my interview

Him – what do you make at your current job?

Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments

ME: There’s something fishy going on here.

YOU: It’s just an aquarium.

ME: Exactly.

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.

I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.

*zoom meeting*

Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion

Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening

[The Second Coming]

Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“

Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.

Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.

The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!

WHY?

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right

“Sooth.”

-a soothsayer

Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project

Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.

I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]

Me: one internet please

Someone should probably go check on Steve.

a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so

Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it

the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack

My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.

Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.

Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing

*flash forward*

Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe