Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Classic German Shepherd 😂

Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.

[Later]

6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.

When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.

Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.

Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”

Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.

Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.

All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs

How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?

That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself

Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!

What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?

i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far

Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months

Reporter: so what happened?

Scientist: it’s dead.

I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something

“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]

Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”

Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap

Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.

My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds

There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”

no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads

maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it