Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
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My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
it must be school picture day
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
can’t talk my ride’s here
