Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.

WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?

If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.

Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118

Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.

Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?

Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.

every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again

“Can you get my water, Mom?”

— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.

Hero horse inspires millions

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that

So that’s what we looked like?

I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber

Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.

“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.

I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]

Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.

“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.

Dyslexics are teople poo!

[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall

“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.

power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention

The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time

I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up