Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

[At Pharmacy]

Pharmacist: This medi…

Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.

My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school

Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

Me: no, is he any good?

Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone

I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.

He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”

no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.

“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man

Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed

Me- That’s heroin

Officer-…

Me- Want some?

Officer-…

Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs

“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.

Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?

I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what

Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll

*runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people

life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up

*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages

“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game

me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess

I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game

I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation

Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.

ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.

First date idea.

Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.