WIFE: I want a divorce.

ME: Is it because of my small wrists?

WIFE: Yes.

ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.

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The garbage man is late.

I think he’s been cheating on me with some other piece of trash.


Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.


‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.


Fun Game:
1. Be a couple without kids.
2. Hire a babysitter.
3. When they show up and ask where the kid is, scream, “You lost it already?!?”



Wife: Fridge.

M: Shoe?

W: Fridge.

M: How did you..

W:*reads note* Dear sober me, fridge.


W: Idiot.


Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.


Coworker: Guess what day it is?
Me: Don’t.
CW: Guess what day it is?
Me: Don’t.
CW: It’s hum..
[30 min later]
Cop: So you stapled his lips?


hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead


I went to an AA meeting

I met a lot of batteries


Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.