WIFE: I want a divorce.

ME: Is it because of my small wrists?

WIFE: Yes.

ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.

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People on Facebook Nowadays:

*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*

*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*


When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.


[Friend opens Christmas present]
Me: It’s a lie detector
Friend: Oh… I love it
Me: (whispering) we’ll see


What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.


My TWILIGHT ZONE plot idea: The sole survivor of the apocalypse finally has time to listen to podcasts but still doesn’t feel like it.


[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?


The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”


Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.


[driving test]
me: did I pass?

driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal


Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.