WIFE: I want a divorce.

ME: Is it because of my small wrists?

WIFE: Yes.

ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.

You Might Also Like


If your wife asks what would you do without me?

ENJOY MY LIFE is not the correct answer


[letting my friend hold my newborn baby]
Me: careful, don’t let it die
Friend: dude I have 3 kids of my own
Me: sure, 3 we know of


Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?

Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!

B: here’s your coffee. $12.32

M: thank you


? Cause the players gonna play play play
The haters gonna hate hate hate
Baby Im just gonna bottle it all up & develop severe trust issues ?


at cane’s

cashier: you guys ready?
my friend: nah we still looking
cashier: aight well we sell chicken and fries so


Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.


Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving


Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.


Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed

Me: by Spider-Man?

Wife: his head just spun around

Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man


Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens