If your wife asks what would you do without me?
ENJOY MY LIFE is not the correct answer
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
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[letting my friend hold my newborn baby]
Me: careful, don’t let it die
Friend: dude I have 3 kids of my own
Me: sure, 3 we know of
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
? Cause the players gonna play play play
The haters gonna hate hate hate
Baby Im just gonna bottle it all up & develop severe trust issues ?
cashier: you guys ready?
my friend: nah we still looking
cashier: aight well we sell chicken and fries so
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens