@FrazzleMyGimp

WIFE: I want a divorce.

ME: Is it because of my small wrists?

WIFE: Yes.

ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.

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@EtobicokeErnie

If your wife asks what would you do without me?

ENJOY MY LIFE is not the correct answer

@david8hughes

[letting my friend hold my newborn baby]
Me: careful, don’t let it die
Friend: dude I have 3 kids of my own
Me: sure, 3 we know of

@DropsNoPanties

Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?

Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!

B: here’s your coffee. $12.32

M: thank you

@robfee

? Cause the players gonna play play play
The haters gonna hate hate hate
Baby Im just gonna bottle it all up & develop severe trust issues ?

@jadeamberf

at cane’s

cashier: you guys ready?
my friend: nah we still looking
cashier: aight well we sell chicken and fries so

@Elizasoul80

Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.

@pleatedjeans

Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving

@WineMummy

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed

Me: by Spider-Man?

Wife: his head just spun around

Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man

@daemonic3

Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens