WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
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COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.