@FrazzleMyGimp

WIFE: I want a divorce.

ME: Is it because of my small wrists?

WIFE: Yes.

ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.

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@preritpathak

People on Facebook Nowadays:

*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*

*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?

@pixelatedboat

When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.

@ruinedpicnic

[Friend opens Christmas present]
Me: It’s a lie detector
Friend: Oh… I love it
Me: (whispering) we’ll see

@NourHadidi

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.

@EamonToPlease

My TWILIGHT ZONE plot idea: The sole survivor of the apocalypse finally has time to listen to podcasts but still doesn’t feel like it.

@blade_funner

[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?

@fuzzypantaloons

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

@GingerHotDish

Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

@mrjohndarby

[driving test]
me: did I pass?

driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal

@TopherKearby

Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.