The garbage man is late.
I think he’s been cheating on me with some other piece of trash.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
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Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
1. Be a couple without kids.
2. Hire a babysitter.
3. When they show up and ask where the kid is, scream, “You lost it already?!?”
Me: BABE HAVE YOU SEEN MY..
M: How did you..
W:*reads note* Dear sober me, fridge.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Coworker: Guess what day it is?
CW: Guess what day it is?
CW: It’s hum..
[30 min later]
Cop: So you stapled his lips?
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
I went to an AA meeting
I met a lot of batteries
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.