Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.

HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.

energy cannot be created nor destroyed

how to market bottled water to dads

If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”

Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”

Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.

date: i like guys who are mysterious

me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman

Jeff: I’m from New Jersey

Geoff: I’m from New Georsey

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.

Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.

Listen, I hate you…

I’m just not… IN hate with you.

I’m not sure which is worse:

People who force their religion on you…

Or

Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”

DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord

DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?

DV: fire!

[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]

*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”

2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans

People: *freaking out*

2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.

People: lol ok

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want

If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.

as a kid: i have to save up for this toy

as an adult: i have to save up for this rent

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.

My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.

I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.

Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…

At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.

My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.

My one weakness is indecision.

if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long