Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”

Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough

Satan: what

We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.

Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

[aliens dissecting humans]

alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol

alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it

alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this

1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.

Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch

No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents

your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.

I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what

[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”

Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone

Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet

Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg

“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”

[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick

Facebook Twitter

ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.

[Creation]

God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”

*cell divides*

God:”What the-”

*cells divide again*

God:”Oh shi-“

Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables

My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.

That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers

We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.

Me: We’re swimming in debt

Wife: It’s fine

Me: The kids are going nuts

Wife: They’re fine

Me: You haven’t had a break in months

Wife: I’m fine

Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means

Wife: I’M FINE

Me in tagged photos

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing

I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.

put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control

A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.