Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.

“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago

me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.

my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???

Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.

#SCOTUS one-star review

11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.

Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?

11: Other than that.

Getting out of bed should count as resistance training

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

Mugger: Give me all your money!

Me: Ok

Mugger: *suddenly poorer*

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.

Green tea reduces weight*

*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

[movie studio in the 2010s]

“This script stars The Rock as-”

Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT

None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.

the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶

[on honeymoon in Paris]

Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower

Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?

6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was

Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything

Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-

Me:

H: Your mom is very smart

Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.

My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.

She’s eleven.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?

ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther

MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away

ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie

Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.

“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”

“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!

my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”

mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates

Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.

I like my women how I like my straws ….

Bendy and full of liquor.