Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!

[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter

*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.

Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.

The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.

If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.

Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.

It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.

After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.

Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to ?”

You: “Yes, it is…”

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“…at least I hope so!!”

[restaurant]

RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*

Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done

“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.

me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye

Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.

Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…

Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.

a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down

Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.

My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?

I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.

*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*

Girl: do bad things to me babe

Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*

Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied

I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.

I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.