@PleaseBeGneiss

WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas

ME: k

[Christmas morning]

WIFE: um

PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*

ME: you should open that one first

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@sonictyrant

Me: *calls waiter over* You’ve given my girlfriend 2 dead rats on a skewer

Waiter: Yes the ratatouille, anything else sir?

Me: lets cancel that coq- au- vin

@iamledgin

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

@fro_vo

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood

@junejuly12

Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~

@eluna333

*gets Ouija board*

Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?

@DanMentos

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

@JediGigi

Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!

@Cpin42

In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident

@AristotlesNZ

Hey! I took my diaper off, see? Oh! Look! I found your power drill! Gonna go see if it fits an outlet.. Bye! -My 2yo when I’m on the toilet

@DaddyJew

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby