WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
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At Walmart during the holidays like..
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??