@sonictyrant Me: *calls waiter over* You’ve given my girlfriend 2 dead rats on a skewer
Waiter: Yes the ratatouille, anything else sir?
Me: lets cancel that coq- au- vin
@PleaseBeGneiss WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
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@sonictyrant 
@iamledgin Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
@fro_vo PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
@junejuly12 Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
@eluna333 *gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
@DanMentos me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
@JediGigi Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
@Cpin42 In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
@AristotlesNZ Hey! I took my diaper off, see? Oh! Look! I found your power drill! Gonna go see if it fits an outlet.. Bye! -My 2yo when I’m on the toilet
@DaddyJew How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby