WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
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If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.