WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
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[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot