Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”

Harsh but true birthday card from my parents

To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.

I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty

[Advert for hiking]

Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?

[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it

If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.

No one:

Absolutely no one:

My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.

Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.

[First day as an undercover cop]

Drug Dealer: You got the money?

Me: … *into cufflink* Line?

Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.

I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.

me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays

Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?

Cop: I need statements from you both

Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!

Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl

Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

Ain’t no mountain high enough

Ain’t no valley low enough

Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough

To keep me from yooou

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS

The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.

me: my girlfriend’s a model

him: oh yeah what kind?

me: papier-mâché

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals

-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.

1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”

2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”

People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.