Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.

Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?

This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.

Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.

Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now

accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy

2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.

Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life

[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*

Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.

Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle

Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.

Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?

Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.

you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.

My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓

My eyes: *see baby on board sign*

My brain: surfing infant

Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw

You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day

UPS GUY: Just sign for the package

Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear

Him: cuts ear off

Her: I just wanted u to listen to me

Him: nah, I’m good

My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.

As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.