Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
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My kid said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
shut up and take my money
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I was bored.
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
When they try to steal your moment.
After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!