Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all

For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.

Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

The glockness monster

interviewer: describe yourself in one word

me: great listener

Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.

Choose your seat? $10 fee

Check a bag? $30 fee

Want a pilot? $50 fee

End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.

I was an ugly baby.

It’s been downhill since then.

i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither

I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.

– alcohol

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator

Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.

[MURDER SCENE]

ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief

CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample

Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.

Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer

Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.

my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask

a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”

No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.

Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh

[2015 Bird Awards]

AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN

(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”

And that’s how the fight started