Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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superman: nice car does it have gps

batman: no

superman: then how do you know where you’re going

batman: *starts screaming*

“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.

*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler

@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered

Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.

My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.

alfred: you have lung cancer

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman:

alfred:

batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir, no

When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???

Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.

God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*

Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.

A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.

I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet

If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.

I’ll wait.

Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!

Penny: Please put me down

I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?

M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?

The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.

Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail

I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door

Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?

#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.

This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.