Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.

I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.

I got an email from Nigerian spinach.

me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend

I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

Whoa 😂

person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer

me *on my deathbed: I doubt it

I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?

tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.

You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.

My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while

APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.

I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.

On the list of things I’ve learned today:

1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.

The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.

Them: There are no stupid questions

Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?

Them: There is one stupid question

My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”

The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”

I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call

Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser

coworker: a little bird told me—

me: —where

coworker: uh

me: i want to talk to the little bird