Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
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When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?