@BradBroaddus

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

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@JohnLyonTweets

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

@WilliamAder

In a perfect world, the phrase “axe body spray” would only be used to refer to blood splatter patterns.

@AndyAsAdjective

BOSS: why were you late?

ME: [thinking back to filling each waffle trap with the exact same amount of syrup] traffic

@Amusitr0n

my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats

@PanicRestroom

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean