Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
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What I would do if I had a falcon
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
In a perfect world, the phrase “axe body spray” would only be used to refer to blood splatter patterns.
BOSS: why were you late?
ME: [thinking back to filling each waffle trap with the exact same amount of syrup] traffic
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Achieve the “smokey eye” look by setting your head on fire.
My last name is Zilla.