WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
You Might Also Like
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.