wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
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[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
no regrets
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
NEW LAUNDRY RULES!
1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!
2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!
3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message