wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
You Might Also Like
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
British people be like “I’m Bri ish” cause they drank the “T”😭
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?