Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
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the best thing i’ve ever made
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.