Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?

Me- Never, just ask my husband.

Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.

if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps

Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]

My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?

[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]

my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.

Toddler: happy birthday daddy!

Me: aw thanks buddy!

Toddler: it’s my birthday too?

Me: no your birthday is in December.

Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!

Me: no-

Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Me: but-

Toddler: SAY IT!

Me: happy birthday?

Toddler: thanks daddy!

BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.

My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.

Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?

Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”

It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.

JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred

ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*

I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.

I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?

The best shot in the history of golf

Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.

Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.

Guy: Hey-

Me: Not you.

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!

Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!

My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.

Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP

Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.

Biden:

The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly

I pray every night that I never become religious…

ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut

Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

[first day as a waiter]

me: do you have any questions

customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared

me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices

When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.