Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.

[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”

DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”

I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.

If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.

Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.

Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.

Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.

soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.

A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra

Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.

[returning from the bakery]

WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.

me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?

I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns

Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.

my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom

[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!

Me: I do not!

Him: prove it

Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*

[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

hamburger doesn’t need your help.

Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.

Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket

if a staircase can spiral so can i.

[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]

Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.