Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every man in east london

#dnd #ttrpg

If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:

– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito

Getting married soon just need a spouse

There is no “we” in pizza

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.

me: I’d like one mcdouble please

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty

You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles

confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands

narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman

Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁

My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples

All the tiny apples:

Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station

I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.

Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.

It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

My wife left me for my best friend.

Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!

When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.

His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?

DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.

Absence didn’t work what else ya got?

Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.