wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
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Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
The Backseat Boys
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”