Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…

After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy

Nurse: Know your blood type?

Me: Type-O

N: That’s good!

M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!

N: Get out

M: Fair enough

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries

Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.

Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.

[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂

Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?

Me: it’s my autobiography.

If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.

“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates

[Fat lady goes to the zoo]

Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?

Bear – It looks like your mom

Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.

Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.

Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:

Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”

Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!

Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude

guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here

I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.

i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue

If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.

When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?

Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?

In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…