Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
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I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
*limbos under the caution tape
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
(Electricians.)
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)