wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
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Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.