wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*![]()
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[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Inside you there are two wolves
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“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.