WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
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The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Like sleeping!