WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
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ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.