Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick

“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”

THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???

If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.

This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.

My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome

I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.

whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese

You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache

If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear

I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.

Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.

[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.

If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile

My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey

I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.

facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces

My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.

*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger

Erm I’m gonna say no

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.

Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays

Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works

me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment

gf: orchids

me: whoa we should get married first

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.

I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps