WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

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Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.


On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.


Pretty certain the only way I’d ever be involved in gardening is if someone murdered me & planted me in their garden.


When the cashier asks for my signature, I just write “HELP ME” while maintaining eye contact


If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?


Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.


[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?


– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.