@ShesARealGenius

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

You Might Also Like

@hythemafia

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

@krisv_723

On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.

@SlayerSays

Pretty certain the only way I’d ever be involved in gardening is if someone murdered me & planted me in their garden.

@Kalarlis

When the cashier asks for my signature, I just write “HELP ME” while maintaining eye contact

@jollyrobber

If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?

@MunkMania

Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.

@chrisdowning

[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?

@PopeAwesomeXIII

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.