@ShesARealGenius

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

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@sskylark

mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes

@TheMomAtLaw

What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.

@Lisabug74

Like prison, most don’t learn the life of crime till locked up. Like twitter, I learned to creep into houses and quietly eat their cheese.

@Sickayduh

Son: Sire, I wish to change my name
King: Why, Prince Stephen?
Son: Because you call me “Prince S”
King: Haha yeah that never gets old

@rodney_at_large

I saw your link on Facebook.

What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.

@Sanbel11

Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.

@Brampersandon_

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”

@3sunzzz

Wow, your teeth are white.

Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?