mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
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[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Like prison, most don’t learn the life of crime till locked up. Like twitter, I learned to creep into houses and quietly eat their cheese.
Son: Sire, I wish to change my name
King: Why, Prince Stephen?
Son: Because you call me “Prince S”
King: Haha yeah that never gets old
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?