Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
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me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!
Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!
Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.
But I looked rad AF.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old