Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[meeting girlfriend’s dad]

Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips

Him: Dr, I have a PhD

Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips

I bought my friends an elephant for their room.

They said: Thank you.

I said: Please don’t mention it.

Delightful if true: booby trap.

Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?

Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t

Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?

There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?

Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.

For Sale:

baby shoes, never worn.

too small.

should have bought adult shoes.

[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal

[Annual Review]

Boss: how do you think you performed this year?

Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.

Boss: you’re fired.

Me: This is such an accrual profession.

Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.

If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage

damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously

My 9: what language does toast speak?

French toast.

God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?

A tractor.

Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you

[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]

Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs

[pulling my wife out of the sewer]

her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down

Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind

[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!

Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”

Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”

you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.

*Inspirational Tweets*

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar

balloon animal guy: ok