Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.

Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.

But with a hell of a lot more swearing.

My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.

Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too

me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand

I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.

I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day

[alternate universe]

cows on a road-trip: look a car!

I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭

I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.

I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?

I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.

[house party]

ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?

HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?

ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?

Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet

When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.

He’s a pickpocket.

I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*

I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.

Me: Those shoes are fresh!

12: Mom. No.

Me: Don’t be whack.