wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
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Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
It’s like my therapist always says, that’ll be $175
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Turns out I’m not an afternoon person either.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.