Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.

Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.

Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.

Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.

You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea

Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.

waiter: any allergies i should know about?

me: uh, peanuts?

waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.

Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.

He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.

[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows

ME: UGH

Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain

7: Golf is not fun to watch

ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context

7: What are nuances and context

Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make

7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not

Me:

7: Usually not

Me:

7: They aren’t even good at it.

These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.

Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.

Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity

HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this

HIM: you should probably get tested

HER: lol it’s not that bad

HIM: i have chlamydia

Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.

After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.

-My son, apparently

I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop

Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*

Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”

Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

*adds pineapple to your lasagna*

Three steps to start a relationship.

1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.

Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know