wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
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This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
This was a bad idea all around
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
So Hamburger help me, God
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.