wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
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Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
How times have changed.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night