Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…

Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.

Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work

Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.

My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing

My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of

she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October

[family get together]

mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?

me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?

That’s fair

My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

I’m so glad that I made the right financial decision in 2018 and ditched my $89/mo cable package so that I can now pay $83/mo for YouTube TV, $23/mo for Netflix, $16/mo for Disney+, $13/mo for Paramount, $15/mo for Prime, $10/mo for AppleTV, and $21/mo for HBO

I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.

I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.

*My wife being frustrated by my kids*

Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?

8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?

Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:

Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?

A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.

Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.

BOSS: your productivity has been low

ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week

BOSS: who?

ME: me

I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.

Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name

They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.

I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me

Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲

Professor X: What’s your superpower?

Me: I turn positives into negatives.

Confessor X: Oh.

So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.