Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[lost at sea]

FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair

ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]

Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”

Some people come into your life for a reason.

Like for target practice.

What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed

I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it

It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.

Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

“Pease porridge hot”
Sure.

“Pease porridge cold”
Less desirable, but I guess.

“Pease porridge in the pot nine days old”
Ok, now this is just starting to sound like a health code violation

I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.

Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*

5 minutes later

K

Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:

1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.

DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]

“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”

I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…

*counts*

…twelve dollars.

(Don’t you judge me.)

To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news

GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can

GENIE: son of a

Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?

Director: you mean a choir?

Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads

USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways

It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]

karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello

*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*