Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

spirit airlines customer service rep just said “Q as in cute”

Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer

Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.

*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama

Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?

– Are you even listening to me?

– Of course I am

– Ok, what did I just ask you?

– If I’m listening to you

Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

Genius idea!!

Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all

God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*

I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue

Me, 30 seconds later:

That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.

cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that

If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.

when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm

RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth

– the groceries in the back of my car

Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall

I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.

Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.

Me: You first, pal.

list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,

My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”

Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.

Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?

Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.

Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.

I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.

No pun in ten did.