Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.

[rubs lamp]

[genie appears]

genie: you have three—

me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!

genie: seconds

me: what

genie: two

me: until what

genie (pulling out a gun): one

this is how life feels

me: hey have you seen my keys?

patient I just operated on: no

me: go like this *wiggles*

30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”

“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.

My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.

Church: time to come back

Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK

Church: not you

Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”

Pro tip:

Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.

She’s still telling me.

“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”

So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.

Bull: [angrily snorts]

Bulldog: [angrily barks]

French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]

i think both sides are to blame here

Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.

Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT

My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.

I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.

Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted

Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.

Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again

I saw you checking me out.

Cashier: Literally my job, sir.

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands

My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.

It’s an onion.

My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.

Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon