Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
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My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her