Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[marriage counseling]

She’s always getting mad at me

“There’s a shark living in our pool”

IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN

At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?

Pizza will never hurt your feelings.

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

Is Dutch some sort of clown language

Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send

I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”

Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922

If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.

Take care of yourself so you can better turn the tables on any serial killer type situation, should it arise.

Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme

They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.

Hey! This isn’t my car!

There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.

Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.

[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader

What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.

[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal

Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*

We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.

Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster

The Sun

9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?

Me: Slept in.

Start of the article: but what if only three people read it

End of the article: at least only three people will read it