Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cw: you have a call holding

M: put it in my voicemail

Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent

M: hiiii this is Jennifer

what is cheese if not milk persevering

Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)

Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.

WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

[first day on bomb squad]

blue red yada yada yada i get the gist

[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right

OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!

-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee

Me. I’m the person.

“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”

How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?

Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.

I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.

My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship

So I said I wanted a divorce

word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom

*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*

cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs

me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did

[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?

[at a party]

Host: may I take your coat?

Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes

ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not

“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”

I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.

A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.

Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”

I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.

Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?

I know you do. That’s why I do it.

there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win

Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up