Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
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Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
buys donuts instead
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock