Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
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My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.