Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
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I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
You’d be amazed at the number of people that like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain who also have a suspended drivers license.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
can you read it!!??
maan!
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.