Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.

Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.

Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”

Is it the “S” or the “C?”

[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.

How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.

No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.

I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …

Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC

I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”

???????????????????????

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?

I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.

lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?

Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am

lawyer: where are you?

me: 2018

[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.

If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.

There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”

Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that

6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.

-No DNA test needed

I could have been a monk but I missed my chants

*gloating* I just broke the internet

Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.

The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.

married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me

I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.

Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army

*knuckle tats*

( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )

(I’m a librarian)