Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
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This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
They’re the worst 😩
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.