Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.

Which is it, brain?

Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything

If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks

How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”

the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.

Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath

<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.

Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…

Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.

My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”

People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.

“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”

I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.

All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.

Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

*Grilling salmon

TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK

It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT

“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul

“Sooth.”

-a soothsayer

One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail

Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.

How to use a credit card machine:

1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!

Oh hi lol

I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?