WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
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if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Adultry does not sound fun at all
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone