Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.

just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons

Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*

me: want to go hunting this weekend?

friend: sure i’m game.

me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.

Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji

someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting

God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.

Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!

God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.

Angel: Never mind, go ahead.

Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.

Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane

Me: I’m good

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed

My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.

MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill

NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur

‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’

– idiots

Me: I’d like to return this

Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room

Me: ya it sucks

I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.

“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”

What are instructions?

“Correct.”

Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.

Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice

We couldn’t just…..find their homes?

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.

From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”

me: hi i’m on the list

security: there is no list this is kohl’s

me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man

Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.

If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.

I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.

As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.

It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.

My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?

My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.

BIL: Which one is the black one?

10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*

Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.

Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.